some musings before i proceed to do my acads: Luminousorange
So, there is this one Spotify playlist I listen to during occasions where I feel alone in a good way. It’s called “Japanese Shoegaze”, and it was created by tokenainamae.
I’ve been listening to this for a while. By “a while”, I really meant a good while since it’s one of my go-to playlists since 2022. As someone who has 50+ playlists on my account, I never bothered to create a Japanese Shoegaze playlist because it has everything I need. Coaltar of the Deepers? Check. Uchuu Nekoko? Double Check. A Tsukino Mito Shoegaze song? Triple check (for some reason). So yes, with the extensive collection it has (around 2,900+ songs at the time of writing) and 205 hours worth of play time, I usually have my fill when I listen to this playlist.
Anyway, it’s not really about the playlist. It’s about one specific song in the playlist. It’s called “Half a Boy” by Luminousorange. It’s a good song. A really good one. I loved the harmonies, the lyrics, the ethereal vocals. I love everything about it, and I sure as hell will put it on my playlist.
However.
Luminousorange. The band whose Spotify profile depicts a flower with many different colors.
Sakura Swirl (Us) also has striking visuals, depicting white butterflies and leaves fluttering and swaying in a dark crimson background.
used to be half a boy stretching thin arms to the sky
heed no words sprint through the dusk
said they i’m an odd ball and you whisper in my ear
then i soar high in the air
Let’s cut the bullshit. Of course I’d know Luminousorange the band. I used to see it in some occasions on my ex’s Discord status.
“Okay, Anya. He’s an ex. Why do you give a shit?”
Not that I do give a shit, per se. I just remembered.
Like how I remembered his green shirt still being with me, and I can’t return it.
His towel, his rubber slippers, and even a spare iPhone lightning cord is still in our house. Mom kept it in a box, and we were supposed to ship it to his home address, had he not left.
I also remembered how some of my beloved books were still with him, as well as my SciMath shirt, and the pearl necklace he supposedly gave to me was left in his house when I went there. (Not that I’d want it back necessarily, but it was really just there and I don’t know what to feel.)
The reason why the nostalgia hit is because I think he’s back here, and it’s weird. I saw his email last December 31. I don’t know how to say anything, if it’s even right to say anything right now, if i should say anything right now.
One of the friends I had pointed out how a lot of shit can change in the span of three years. He went from being the mechanical robot boyfriend to my best friend to becoming really depressed and trying to get better person the last time I went on a voice call with him.
It’s also true for a year. A lot of shit can change in a year. One of my acquaintances left for Canada (that’s not him) and I can imagine the whiplash he’ll get from so many things changing in our sphere. I got into my fifth relationship then broke up. Friends were lost and friends were made, and the circle has been vastly different from the last time he saw it.
Other than that, I became secretary and ended my term with a whimper. Temperatures and prices keep rising nonstop, and my academics dwindled because of economic and physical worries along with personal mental issues. All in the span of a year.
I guess it really isn’t surprising if I don’t know how to respond to that email he sent on New Year’s Eve. Should I apologize? Should I say “hey, sorry for the random rant and for ghosting you out of nowhere.” He has been following some of my social media profiles and I can’t respond. Not because I don’t want to (‘coz clearly it’s not in my system to be a cutthroat bitch), but more so that I don’t know if it’s the right time to respond. It’s just a fucking weird spot to be in, to say that “hey, a lot of things have changed.” It’s so weird to say hi, knowing you’re not the same person as you were before.
So seeing Luminousorange consequently after knowing that he arrived back in the Philippines, with a lot of shit changing both in his life and also my life, as if it were asymptotic lines that are so close to approaching an intersection once again, it’s just a strange situation to be in. It’s like unknown celestial forces are telling you that coincidence will do its magical thing again, and your world will tilt around 90 degrees this time, and I have no idea what type of life shattering information will happen again.
I could have sent an email back, apologizing for the delay in response as well as the random lash out. I could have said that there have been so many things missing between the lines, that I have not been the same ever since we met for the last time 8 months ago. And I don’t know what else to say, that I’ve been trying to stay afloat, that life scares me sometimes, that my perceptions on love has changed, that I never harbored resentment towards him and that I would understand if he did? So many things that just got stuck in between, like something is preventing air from flowing out of the vent.
I really don’t know why Luminousorange reminded me of him. It could have been Marika Yamagata instead, or Natsu no Ougonhi, or Southmall, or Maimai. It could have been so many things, but it just took a small coincidence and a small Spotify icon to let these contemplations run free in my head.
I know he checks Medium sometimes. He even told me that my writing was good a long time ago, back when things were not entirely on opposite sides. But I just know for a fact that it will take me some time — when I finally have the time and space to be free, to become truly me — before I can respond to his mail.
It’s starred on my juvenile-looking mail. I may act like I don’t remember, but I do. I’m sorry if it takes me a long time. I will respond eventually and clear things out with you. Just let me figure things out for a while.
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In other news, God I hope I finish chapter 2 and I don’t go on probation this sem. Lol.
these reflections are brought to you by 21-year-old lost as fuck anya.
